Quiet Reflection

11.18.2017

The truth is, I’m not doing so well.

I have an avoidance issue–when the shit really hits the fan I withdraw from friends and family and anything that even smells like it might be positive social interaction. Unfortunately for my dumb ass, positive social interaction happens to be one of the best things for you when you’re struggling with what I’m struggling with. (I never said I make good choices.)

The truth is, I’m doing this alone.

All the bullshit people like to say about how important it is to reach out to someone and tell them how you’re feeling? About how your parents will love you no matter what and you’ll always have people on your side, blah blah blah… yeah, whoever came up with that is an asshole, and an asshole who had good parents. Not that mine didn’t try. They jut weren’t any good at it.

The truth is, I’m barely hanging on.

I fee la profound sense of guilt. I have so much, so much more than I will ever need, and I feel like I’m wasting it. Like I have no right to feel this empty when there are happy people who have nothing, who’ve lost everything, who never had anything to begin with. People like to push the self help shit for depression, but they don’t know what they’re talking about. I feel gratitude. I know what I have.

I feel like I’m slipping. ❀

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Quiet Reflection

9.24.2017

I didn’t disappear off the face of the earth, I’ve just been taking time to handle my real life. I spent some time with Stardust and other friends, and I’ve had a wonderful conversation with Sunshine at least once a week about work/life balance and the really important things.

It strikes me every so often that I haven’t disclosed my mental health problems to my friends, and I wonder if perhaps there isn’t more there worth exploring.

At the end of the day I know that I really, really enjoy writing–the physical act of putting pen to paper and making words appear as if by magic–so I intend to spend the next few weeks writing in that space. As long as I’m in this the-drugs-are-working-today-so-let’s-embrace-the-hedonism swing, I’ll ride it as far as I can go. ❀

Quiet Reflection

9.12.17

I’m breathing 100%.

I’m drinking 90%.

I’m eating 80%.

I’m sleeping 70%.

I’m thinking 60%.

I’m alive. Last night I had three pounds of watermelon and an otter pop for dinner. I’m alive. The drugs aren’t working anymore. I’m alive. There is joy and pain and sorrow and contentment. I am alive. This could always be worse.

I’m going to make it. ❀

Quiet Reflection

7.22.17

I had lunch with Sunshine yesterday. I meant to post something then, but I’d had a long week so I went to bed early.

I’ve read a lot about trauma over the last six and a half years. I’ve learned a lot about relationships, too, and how they relate to trauma. The short version is that trauma separates us from our relationships with other people, and the best way to overcome trauma is to re-forge those connections.

It amazes me how much a simple 25-minute lunch helped. I don’t think he evens knows the depths of this hell, let alone that I’ve been backsliding. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need to. Sunshine is steady, a grounding force no matter what kind of hurricane I feel. I am so grateful for his friendship.

❀ ✩ ✿ ✩ ❀

I’ve been thinking about the blog, and what I intended to do with it. It’s part journal, part essay collection (topic posts being marked by alliterative theme titles). The essay-ish things have been on the thin side, facilitated mostly by a pretty severe backslide that I’ve been fighting this year. I’m sorry. I’m still fighting.

The journal is sporadic at best, for which I also apologize. I haven’t quite grasped the concept of a publishing schedule yet. I’m still trying.

The important thing, I think, is to keep taking these tiny steps. And someday, I hope, I’ll be out of the woods.

Again. ❀

Depression Sountracks

Depression Soundtrack | Sound the Bugle

Judge me if you want, but I think Bryan Adam’s work on the soundtrack for the Spirit movie was awesome. The obligatory “turning-point-for-the-protagonist” song from this soundtrack is titled “Sound the Bugle”. There’s a line that sticks with me now matter how many years it’s been since I’ve seen it:

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down and decide not to go on

There are times where I’m having a perfectly normal time, and all of a sudden I’m overcome with the need to just… stop. Stop moving, stop breathing, stop being. To lay right down and decide not to go on.

I don’t. It’s hard. It’s scary. But I know that I have to keep going on, even when it is all of these things. I keep reminding myself that this is an illness, that this is a thing that is beyond my control but a thing I can still live with. There will not always be good days. The days I have left are still worth it. ❀